Had a big shock yesterday evening, I walked in, popped my stuff in the cupboard and walked through to the kitchen to put my recently bought “best frozen chips in the world” (Sainsbury’s “Gorgeous Chips” - expensive and bad for you, but yummy) and glanced at the wall clock.
When I looked at the time the hairs stood up on the back of my neck, by some freak of nature time was actually running backwards !!!!
There it was, the second hand was ticking the seconds backwards in front of my very eyes. I stared in disbelief for over a minute, but unbelievably it was true as the minute hand clicked backwards too !
At first I was filled with dread, was it just in my house, or was it happening all over the Country or even the World ? Was it that I had died and my life was going to be played back in front of me step by step until I was born and then what happens then ?
Was it that the earth had somehow started to revolve the other way around the sun (my Gran always said nothing good would come from sending all those satellites up into space) were we all doooomed ???
Then I thought of the possible benefits. I leapt into the hall and gazed at the mirror, after a few minutes I was dismayed to see that my hair wasn’t growing back and my wrinkles were still there in all their gory (no, not miss spelling) ! I pulled up my sleeve, expecting to watch the big bruise on my arm (never fence a 6’4” teenager with your second best epee) slowly disappear like they do in the films, but no, it was still there looking like a big blue/black loser badge.
But then I thought, if time was going backwards at it’s usual rate, it would take a few months for signs of my long flowing locks to start to reappear and my wrinkles to smooth out. If I was lucky the tooth that I knocked out with log (never chop logs when you’re angry) may grow back too, together with the other one I broke with a pair of pliers (don’t ask) !
I rushed back to check the clock, OMG, it was getting worse, the second hand was just clicking one second on and one second back - it was Groundhog Day in reality ! I was going to be stuck in a time warp never to escape and never to get round to eating my Gorgeous Chips by Sainsbury’s.
As I watched, the time stood still and the second hand ticked it’s last tick, this is it I thought, the world will implode in the next few seconds or I’ll see a bright light and hear Peter Gabriel whispering into my ear (think that’s the guy, I was off at school the day they did the Bible) saying “come to me” and beckoning me with a long skeletal finger, but no, nothing at all happened apart from the central heating coming on with a whoosh and making me jump out of my skin.
As the evening wore on I slowly realised that I wasn’t dead and that all was well with the earth / sun and Westbury in general, but that I may need to buy a new battery for the clock.
Yes, back to boring reality in the Simpson household.
Now… back to how I de-toothed myself (accidentally) with a pair of pliers
G ;)
